Let’s get one thing straight.

Jesus wasn’t your softly-lit, shampoo-commercial Jesus — the one with feathered hair, sheep on his shoulders, and a weak jawline that screams “I apologize too much.” No, the real Jesus was a brown-skinned, dirt-covered firebrand from the ass-end of the Roman Empire, kicking sand in the eyes of the rich, roasting religious hypocrites with parables, and spitting in the face of empire like he knew the cross was coming and said, “Bring it.”

This wasn’t a man you invited to brunch.
This was a man who burned your brunch down because you were feeding yourself while the beggars starved at your gates.

The Church neutered him. Sanitized him. Repackaged him with white skin, blue eyes, and a God complex. They made him the poster boy for obedience — which is hilarious, because Jesus disobeyed everything.

Let me say that louder for the folks in the stained-glass echo chamber:
Jesus was not a mascot for meekness.
He was a damn revolutionary.

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✝️ The Gospel According to “Holy Shit, Did He Really Say That?”

Let’s crack the book they use to defend power and extract the actual dynamite:

• Matthew 21:12–13 – Jesus entered the temple and began to drive out all the people buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves… “My house shall be called a house of prayer, but you are making it a den of thieves.”
  ➤ That wasn’t “gentle rebuke.” That was a holy riot.
• Matthew 23:27–28 – “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs…”
  ➤ Translation: You look holy, but you reek of rot.
• Mark 10:25 – “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”
  ➤ Not a metaphor. He straight-up said the rich are screwed.
• Luke 4:18–19 – “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me… to proclaim good news to the poor… freedom for the prisoners… set the oppressed free…”
  ➤ That’s a manifesto. Not a sermon.
• Luke 22:36 – “If you don’t have a sword, sell your cloak and buy one.”
  ➤ Jesus told his disciples to arm themselves. Sunday School skipped that one, didn’t they?
• Matthew 10:34 – “I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.”
  ➤ “Prince of Peace” my ass. He brought fire to the party.

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🔥 WWJD: The Remix They Don’t Sell in Gift Shops

What Would Jesus Do?

• He wouldn’t lead a megachurch — He’d burn it down and use the ashes to feed the poor.
• He wouldn’t bless the troops — He’d sit with the refugees and say, “Forgive them, for they know not whose land they stole.”
• He wouldn’t condemn abortion — He’d scream at lawmakers starving single mothers while clutching Bibles like shields.
• He wouldn’t bake a cake for bigots — He’d flip their table and write “LOVE IS NOT A SIN” in the dust.
• He wouldn’t vote red or blue — He’d tear down the whole corrupt system, call it Caesar’s circus, and leave footprints on its golden throne.
• He wouldn’t carry a gun — But he’d tell you to wake the hell up before the empire straps you to a cross of your own.

So maybe ask yourself this Sunday…

Are you following Jesus?
Or just worshiping the empire that crucified him?

Because the real Jesus wasn’t nailed to a cross to save your soul —
He was nailed there for challenging the system.
And if you’re not doing the same,
then maybe it’s time to flip your own damn table.

👿 Amen, and pass the gasoline.